Posts tagged ‘emotions’

Transitions in Life!

Transition, change from the past, for the present
Transition, change from the past, for the present

Do we notice the imperceptible changes taking place around us?  Mostly not; unless compelled to do so.

The most common culprit of almost imperceptible change is age. “Why do you wheeze when you climb stairs for just two floor?” My daughter asked me last week. I passed it off as a toll taken by age; though the reality is that this weakness is an old one and remained unnoticed.

Most resist the external symptoms of time and related wear & tear. A thumb rule is that the older a person is, the more time taken for formal dressing. So there is a calculated effort to impress- bright colors, branded shirts/pants, hair waved back carefully. Sometimes I wonder, whether the person is comfortable in the role being enacted (for the sake of family). Why not let go and be what you actually are? But then, do many of us know ourselves well to decide to be as and what we are?

God, with His sense of irony, has made human beings attach undue importance to parts of body which have limited utility. Hairs on the head is a classic example of a decorative object. It does not serve any great purpose (unlike hands or legs). But the impact a great hair style has on the subject and his/her viewer cannot be measured. So we find youngsters staring hard at mirror for long periods, patting their hair, men keeping tufts (meant originally only for certain purposes) like women, old men and women dyeing their imperfectly to evade the toll of time and all sorts of odd behavior if examined in the light of reason.

When I was a young boy (several decades back) only school boys and  domestic men servants (who washed clothes, vessels, cars etc.) wore half pants in Mumbai.  Now of course, it is a fashion statement to wear half pants and odd sized pants on all occasions (except job interview) and thereby attempt to belong to another age group. So, when I wear a shorts (called half pant in the past) to the gym, I have an uneasy feeling that someone would  call me to wash their car.

The real changes take place in our sub-conscious and then trickle down to external visibility.  This is noticed only if we meet the person after a reasonable gap. Mentally we slow down- that is reduce the pace at which we want to live hereafter. We see this around us but do not observe. We want less surprises- less changes – expected or unexpected. Life has to be same from yesterday to today. But God and the world around us have a gleeful pleasure in altering our well laid down plans.  So we find sedentary grandparents rushing off to USA/Gulf countries for a new career in babysitting (most probably no one sits, the baby runs around and we run after it continuously till our legs pain).

Did our parents sit back and ponder over their errors of omissions and commission? Did they even admit it to themselves? My son reminded me recently in non-judgmental manner of the instances when I beat him during his childhood. Did I beat him? Yes, I did. For what reasons?  I do not remember. Do I regret it now? Yes. But when I look at my daughter trying to tame my grandson (unsuccessfully at times) by oral requests and then resorting some small corporal punishments, I realize that these are inevitable and cannot be examined by hindsight.

Do we lose our ambitions, zest and enthusiasm with age? I would say they become more tempered. The  goal posts change. Survival up to the goal post  becomes more important than running past it. Some unexpected past time or interest catches serious attention.  So it could a social or a religious organization in which there is some lurking desire to play a more prominent role. I have seen several large institutions run  by persons most of whom had retired from gainful occupations long  back justifying to this logic.

But what is most important in all this is identifying what our heart really seeks- what is it that would give us great happiness. This is the most difficult part of life at any juncture. Long but aimless life serves little or no purpose. At each juncture of life, knowing what we want to achieve in our career, what we enjoy doing in our spare time, what relationships to invest in to make our life more beautiful is vital. This is more easily said than done.

I envy today’s youth some of whom are clear eyed to give up easy choices and seek for what they really want. India has given choices which did not exist some decades back.  But whether they are able to achieve a balance between their material success and mental happiness is a moot point. This perhaps applies to youth and younger generation in any point of time- yesterday , today or tomorrow.

So next time I visit the nearby shopping mall, I will take the plunge and buy the black shirt with stripes displayed at Zodiac shop. My family’s puritanical views on wearing such garments can take a back seat.

I will look handsome in that shirt- rather as handsome as I looked some decades back.

 

Anjeneyan.

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August 13, 2009 at 8:11 am Leave a comment

Walking through life too fast: In the wrong lane!

Lonely in the fast lane
Lonely in the fast lane

I dreamt of the morning sun, but the weird part was the clouds were too dark. So much that, the sun was hidden behind it. The shadow eclipsed the fireball such that the Knight of light was shut behind the emptiness of the vast sky.

I saw something today and felt a lot more than I would normally feel. It was asking me to slow down on life.

Worried and hurried by the daily routine of making the dough for our bread, butter and “jam” I had forgotten how it feels to be human again. Surrounded too many a times by those who I would recall (If I would ever want to recall them that is) as just a dark abyss or shadows, who are never there and would never be beside but only follow through.

I rushed in with my routine as I cast away the holy smokes of unknown groups; I spent the precious fifteen minutes of morning scurrying around for getting things together set and ready for the day.

And what a day it was….

As I rushed across through my door leaving behind a cracking sound that would have awaken my neighbors for sure, my amazing hunt for the treasured Auto rickshaw for my today’s Mumbai journey began. Begging around at qualms for a ride for which I am sure to shell out a hefty piece of green from my pocket, I finally managed to convince one of the amazing rick drivers for a drive to my office.

As I waited in the rick, my work had begun with morning calls from all around the amazing spaceship in which I was and all of a sudden the vehicle screeched. I felt like my house door was hitting me back, I t was really loud!

Oh God! Was I going to get late ‘coz of some pointless traffic today?

As this question infuriated my tiny brain, I looked out and screamt at the first guy standing near the rick.

I took out my frustration of blocking my time and space early morning at him and was trying to move on into the rick, I saw something.

The guy had only one leg, his packet was lying scattered on the road and there were only loud angry horns supporting him. He was not angry, was just trying to gather his scattered stuff of the rusty roads of Mumbai.

I swallowed my horrible tone, got out of the rick, bowed my head in apology, and actually told the vehicles around to shut up, picked up his stuff and dropped him to his office.

We did not speak, he asked me few questions, but I told him I felt to horrible to answer for what I had done or was going to do had I not just seen what I saw. He just smiled, and he made my morning peaceful.

As I got back to work, the start was not very good and as I saw the day proceeding ahead, I could feel only emptiness around me.

But my sweet friend (emails) dropped in some note which staggered me. It was about a similar incident that happened with me today that the mail was describing.

I paused with shock and a tiny bit of surprise.

I pondered back to what and how my day began.

It took a physically challenged and lonely guy on the street, who was also trying to make his living, slow me down with an act of solitude and humbleness on his face.

I remembered my time back at work again today; I found loads of emptiness, no courtesy and nil gratitude for life from those around. It looked so sad. I had the guys number with me, I called him during the day, thanked him for slowing me down and making me realize how important it is to what we strive for, that’s more than just a job.

I guess running scurried in the routine rat race, with all those around, I had forgotten the value of time, money and what it means to give someone space and support.

I felt good, as I jotted this down but I really asked myself, ‘Is someone who is less fortunate and more troubled in life hitting so hard against you with his life scattered but yet not complaining,  the Only person who can make us look back and think about how we live?

The reality was harsh and sad.

I think it should never be a jerk that would desperately need to slow us down.

As I jotted down the final lines, I found myself remembering that guy’s face from morning, who had so much less than I did, but still thanked me, was smiling at the end of the day and said, this is a routine for me, I hope you have a great day!

I need a great day…. I think it’s time I got a great day!

But the next time, I won’t wait till my rick hits someone…..

So, how was your day?

 

Le’mme know

 

August 4, 2009 at 11:19 am 3 comments

Expressions from TD Studios – Now in AMAZON

EXPRESSIONS, Now at Amazon
EXPRESSIONS, Now at Amazon

bannertoptdstudios

June 24, 2009 at 7:14 pm Leave a comment

Addiction: Contagiously unique: Dying to get Offline, but alas!

  

ADDICTIONS: Dying to get Offline, but Alas!

ADDICTIONS: Dying to get Offline, but Alas!

 “Greatness adds to the Good & evil begets evil, as simple as that”

 One 12 year old kid, who was supposed to enjoy his summer vacations by going out or playing till he drops in the heat, was having a horrible day yesterday, because his mother was not allowing him to play the Xbox (which he was playing for more than few hours already).

 He came to me angry with his mom and asked, ‘I am getting bored. I don’t want to go out and play. Can you tell mom to allow me to play on my Xbox so that I can have some fun.’

 I guess, this is what has become when I look around me, except for those very few who are still fortunate, under control and in touch with the real world.

 That’s when it struck me.

 I too have been addicted. I realized that I have become utterly obsessed to the cyber world like millions across the world. Today I am just one among the million less fortunate getting strangled to the today’s ipv4 syndrome – The Internet.

 This virtual platform engineered by those who started it as an information sharing platform has gone manifold through inventions & contributions by great pioneers like Al Gore, Tim Berners-Lee, Vint Cerf, Robert Kahn, Leonard Kleinrock, Lawrence G. Roberts, Radia Perlman and few others.

 

But why do I quote the first line that “greatness adds…..”

 

I realized the missing link around that could hold me grounded and keep me engrossed in life that is real.

 Today, as I scan across my little self-centered murky world, I find all those around fixated to something that is not just contagious, but uniquely contagious, in the sense that, it drives oneself to catch their novel form of addiction on their own.

 Surrounded by those either addicted to the till death do us apart yearning for money or those with a deflective state of philosophical bent through religious dose of daily booze or those obsessed with zero value adding life skills of traditional education or the amazingly exasperating bunch of hardcore shopaholics who have today led me to succumb & snail myself into a smaller world owing to sheer utter boredom.

 I feel suffocated when I end up nowhere but yet ‘find myself’ in a Mall every other day or worst diluting my already troubled fitness regime sitting in a restaurant that is definitely not helping me regain my good old self.

 Why? ‘coz today I am tired of again and again planning a spontaneous tour to a better place or at least a real world around and unfortunately cannot also find,  ‘who can take on ideas to connect to the real world’ & initiate an adventurous outing may be?

I keep trying to reinvent by being innovative and planning to reach out to the outer and real world and sadly find myself in a restaurant or compulsorily on the almost only way to stay connected with each other today – Telephone or even worst in a bar or a again a mall.

The value addition per se seems to be missing at every stage as addiction has caught up with specific religious routines of not thinking beyond the monotonously small world around.

 With so much of information explosion, I am today finding the spontaneity missing around me so much that I chose to get addicted to a virtual world with just a couple of hardware and loads of unnecessary junk from all across the globe.

 As I drift towards spending shockingly gifted long & empty weekends addicted to the virtual galleria, the more I realize the emptiness of adventure and spark with zest and energy around.

 The more I update myself on Web3.0 today, the more I feel sorry for the world of tomorrow that ‘might’ be a part of these uniquely contagious addiction syndromes over a period of time.

 Now that I have done some keying in for the day, let me get back to Orkut or Facebook where I can meet real people, ahem!

 Can’t believe, I am actually dying to get offline!

 What say?

 Let me know your views

 Ananth V – ‘(Still Online)’

Image Source: AnanthV

May 31, 2009 at 11:50 am 8 comments

TV Soaps, Reel & Real life: Winds of blurry reality

 

Twirling Dreams & Blurring Reality

Twirling Dreams & Blurring Reality

Money, passion, exhaustion and fame…. Drawing to a weekend where serenity was the magic to the tempo of realism called Life!

 Met up with an old buddy, yes, the same friend who shared his dream with me and wanted the same to be shared with all of us through this platform: Choked by a crab

 He said, I want to share another one this time.

 I asked him, “You spend too much time sleeping, don’t you?”

 Thank God, he took it lightly, just the way I had meant it.

 But he meant business as he straight away quoted “I saw a baby monkey running around me with whom I was playing and then feeding a watermelon”

 We knew we were no Birbal, so we got Sherlock.  No, not the web search app from Apple  (That’s still Google for us).

 We got searching and finding all probable combinations. Why? ‘coz my chum seemed quite uneasy and anxious since a couple of days with this and he said, lets put this again on board. 

The combination of a baby monkey being fed watermelon, hmmmmm….

The Web help sources said, That could mean putting jointly emotions of innocence which was trying to be grabbed from the past.,Unsettled triggers of unfinished business from childhood recollections that could have sparked very recently. That with a monkey that was being fed, probably expressing a betrayal of expectation from someone who should have been there more to support you who meant close to you and finally with a fruit that is either about ease or about fiery passion. These were amazing combinations which meant well, nothing to me as now I turned at my buddy.

 Slowly we put the running ball together; I noticed a sneer and a sense of realization on his face. He said, I got my answers, now you quote down your lines.

 His face was composed or a lot calmer now and now that I got that he got it, I was sure I need not try to know what it was.

 But I felt uncomfortable when I quoted his dreams the first time on the blog after he said, go for it. Flash it across. Now a repeated second one made me say to him, ‘it’s not right to talk about your life on a Writers blog.’

 He said a simple line after which I started to key in the new post here.

 He quoted, “It helps me relax to read it across the blog and it helps me know, it’s just out there, happening and makes me feel in control from within. It’s good to flush it out of my system than to burn wakeful from inside in the barrenness.”

 That’s when I realized the influence of Soaps on TV. With Ekta Kapoor and her Dramarama swarming the nation like a wild blaze, people find themselves sharing a part of it, some or any part of it at times and that’s what keeps them at ease and linked day in and day out.

It’s not the actors, it’s not the lines, its Reel reality with a dash of overflowing emotions bundled with of course repetitive unnecessary camera shots. (ya, ya I have seen an episode too.. big deal)

 Well, I don’t know about me, but Ekta definitely built her dreams with it….

 And to my pal, Happy dreaming buddy! Have a good nights sleep!

Chao!

 

Image Source: Click

May 29, 2009 at 7:51 pm 1 comment

Life, Teenage and beyond: “When I was 21….. It was a very good year”: Missing 21

 

When I was 21

When I was 21

 Another ‘good’ year,  or is it?

A stressful month, painful week, draining last few days…. has finally brought me to a not so energetic weekend.

Duh!

It’s 6am IST on a Saturday and I am awake writing a blog…. So take a wild guess!

But yes, I had few other realizations of f late about people and life. They don’t change, they won’t change…. Either we learn to adapt or we learn to let go.

I usually have been habituated to working with a big team professionally and have an extremely choosy few friends. And it’s true what they say. Our friends teach us more than anyone else of things that could be played and done right to socialize. I have been lucky and in awe of few such friends of mine to whom I might not have mentioned this to, but have helped me a lot to gain control of myself and my social life over these years.

Today I understood when Sinatra started by singing when I was 21 as I missed being 21 a lot, when it was a very good year … remember!

 Those who probably knew me two years back, if they wind up discussing with someone who knows me not from yesteryears, would sense they are discussing of different individuals. I changed… for some reason, i changed. Became more calm, more patient and more socially acceptable and human.

So today, I fall flat and confused when I am questioned for being too calm and non-aggressive and on the other when I know how hard I have worked for it.

So what am I to do? Where am I to go from here….

I come from a middle class orthodox family, valuing teachings of the great more than life. I do not obviously abide by those at the same level but I respect the learning’s in every form of practicality in life today.

The quotes and learning from the holy books of Gita, Ramayana, Bible and great leaders and my personal influencers like Mother Teresa, Swami Vivekananda have shared their wisdom across the globe. When I read through them, I feel so shallow in my life of doings.

I have always found peace when I was able to lend a helping hand to someone really needy, be it education, physical help or bringing smile through words of humor. I have lost all that today in the rat race of life.

Recently I received a letter where I have been nominated for Rashtriya Gaurav award (I thank them for my nomination) for my contribution to various NGO’s over the years, but strangely I did not fill up my nomination, because there is so much more to do…… so much of void to be filled, my work has not even begun.

I am not trying to preach like the great influencers, trust me I do not have that audacity anymore. I am merely like a candle in front of the mighty sun, running confused and with chaos on what is to be done more, better and positive…..

The great words from Gods and legends have taught me to just keep pursuing my work and not bother.  But today the days and weeks seemed to be either hooked up on monotonous ideas which itself cracks the point of having ideas or no learning and loads of zero value addition routine tasks or chasing god forsaken numbers or planning them and with nothing coming in return from any of these that could be worth valuing; “TIME” seems to ask me, are these days even going to be worth remembering?

The answer I get is a simple no!

So today I ask my friends who have either massively or in any other way, impacted a positive way of life in me, how do they do it? …

To name a few: Anand P (A humble guy & a master & wizard on traditional High quality education), Amit R (Very helping & his PR skills are better than SRK’s), Ajay K (The most modest, sincere & humble being) who have been my very close friends since decades and of course there are many others who have added and impacted at some level or the other as excellent friends: Beta, Chinki, Kishore, Prakash, Bala, Hari bhai, Sagar, Chintan, Akshay, Prasad, Deva, Mani, Chini, Ankur, Venky and there are those whom I can’t mention owing to uncanny reasons…..

or do they too miss being 21….. Come on fellas, give me your comments…

 

Quotes from Holy books and some of my personal great influencers:

 “There is neither this world nor the world beyond nor happiness for the one who doubts.” 

” Karmani ave adhikars te: –you have the power to act only; ma phalesu kadachana:–you do not have the power to influence the result; ma karmaphal hetur bhoo: –therefore you must act without the anticipation of the result; ma sangostu akramani: –without succumbing to inaction; ” 

“Anything that brings spiritual, mental, or physical weakness, touch it not with the toes of your feet ”

“I will deal with them according to their conduct, and by their own standards I will judge them” 

“I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness”

 

Image Source: AnanthV

May 16, 2009 at 8:40 am 5 comments

Bringing up children

Bringing up children: Part 1: The Journey Begins:
 

Bringing Up Children

Bringing Up Children

 

 

Every union should produce results. Progeny is one of the results of marriage- at least an expected result. Every newly married couple face overt or covert questions about their “plans”. Any delay beyond 3 years causes great consternation to the families of the couple first and then finally to the couple. All this creates a psychological need to have a child or children.

 

The initial clarity during the mating period of waiting for few years, settling in respective careers, purchase of dwelling etc. may have been achieved or could be in process. But now the need for a child becomes supreme. The conception takes place. I have a vague impression that women do have hesitation or some apprehensions about the entire pregnancy and delivery process. Most males disregard these apprehensions and the emotional and psychological coercion is enough for the women to cross this hurdle. The child arrives. Respective in laws troop in with broad smiles and a realisation of being grand parents.

 

Those who become grand parents before reaching the age of 60, mentally tell themselves that “we are like students who pass CA or IIT Entrance in first attempt while others who still troop to school with their children or run around for admissions to colleges are slow starters. But we are young grandparents. Old age associated with the status of being grandparents is not applicable to us”. Mothers are conferred an almost divine status in India.

 

One story I heard in justification of this status is something like this. One young student questioned placing mother first in the statement “Mata, pita, guru, deivam.”

 

The guru who was smart delayed the reply. After a few days, the guru asked the student to take a brick, tie it around his waist and go to the well and fetch water several times. The well was obviously at some distance. After the student got exhausted, the guru informed the student that a pregnant mother carries the child similarly for nine months and hence they get this status.

A typical Indian story which justifies the age old statement. Western civilisation has not placed such exalted status on parents. Probably they are seen as the medium thru which the life is created on the earth and the medium is like a vessel we use for cooking. The food is more important than the vessel. The mother now gets to see the life which was floating around in her belly. She is initially wonder struck. Then the awareness sinks in about her primary responsibility. Feeding a child at 12.30 am or 4 am is not something any human being can get excited about for weeks and months. The excitement of working as an executive in an air conditioned office is more palpable than cleaning a baby who will learn sanitary habits after some years. She wonders “God, why does any one say all this is exciting?”. The situation of Indians who have emigrated to middle east or USA etc. is even more difficult. These countries have strict laws for child care. Some countries insist on full time attendant till one year of age (this is what I understand).

The role of father at this stage is crucial. Few have any prior experience. They are forced to learn by trial and error. Many families erroneously do not educate their sons to be aware of basic domestic chores. So they land up in family life without any knowledge of the drudgery involved in maintaining a house in a nuclear family. I believe that it is at this stage the next foundation of family life is laid. Couple who work together (whether both are employed or only one is employed) and share responsibilities build a stronger edifice of their marriage.

The children watch and instinctively understand how their family lives and adapt accordingly. If the responsibilities get shifted to outside family members like in-laws or servants, then the pattern changes. We see distorted behaviour from the children.  Excessive tantrums, need to seek attention of one or both the parents whenever they are present, inability to mix or be comfortable in a large group are some of the visible external symptoms. I cannot claim any memory of my two children’s early years. It all seems to be a blur now. When I watch my grandson grow, I feel a twinge of regret at not noticing and storing these memories at least in the brain. Cameras were expensive then and so there are few photos of those times.

Now Picasa contains a few hundred or thousand photos of various antics of my grand son. Most mothers would tell you that the first three years of the child are difficult but rewarding. Creation of life and its growth is still one of the greatest wonder in this world. The efforts we put in these early years yield visible results.

The exuberance of the child, its curiosity in exploring the world around it, lack of any fear or knowledge of danger gives the greatest pleasure. One of the memorable photos of my grandson (when he was less than a year) is his smile when he turns around to look at me before trying to pluck the AC plug from the socket. Today’s world does not give any educated person the time or privilege to think on such things.

Success brings its own material rewards and satisfaction. It requires great courage to step aside from such a path to enjoy such pleasures. Children demand lot of emotional attention. Our city life drains out our quota of Emotional Quotient leaving little for our family. This is where the distance with children/family starts building up.

 

                                          

Bringing up Children – Part 2: When do children grow up?

Perhaps when they start asking questions about the life we lead. Children consciously or unconsciously imitate parents in the early stages. At some point they question us- do we have to pray everyday? Do we have to write homework at 7.30 every day?

Cant’ we have the toy or something else his or her friend has? Slowly we have to set the boundaries within which we have to live. How does a parent explain that they cannot afford a particular expense as it is beyond them? I remember such a situation when my daughter asked for legitimate expense and I could not afford it at that time. I do not think I gave a correct answer. There is always a debate between quality time and quantity time devoted to children. In a traditional family, the father went to office to make a living and mother looked after the hearth. So father’s time was quality time. Children’s bondage with father was perhaps limited due to the then prevailing environment. This is evident from some of the movies we see of the 60s and 70s in any Indian language.

Today, with both parents employed in many cases, the distance or closeness could be the same. My belief is that children react well to a relationship where the parents are capable of receiving the confidences of their children. They should trust their parents sufficiently enough to exchange their innermost fears and receive emotional and physical support.

This is more easily said than done. This requires a long period of communication at a seemingly equal level without losing the basic authority as parents. Today’s parents do assist in homework, projects, exams and other burdens of today’s schooling process. Do they gain their children’s confidence in this process is a moot point. I saw one TV Debate program on parent’s involvement in their children post school education- Science or commerce, engineering or medicine and so on.

The program had parents and children on opposite sides of the debate. The vehemence of the children on the negative influence of parents on compelling choice of the education stream was quite an eye opener. The education expert – a college principal- said that we should trust over children with the choice they make and not second guess them. They generally know what they want and we should guide them only when they start expressing their doubts or seek help.

My wife has an interesting view on how teenagers and young adults fall in love. She says that when the children lack emotional support or live in an emotional vacuum in the house, they seek an alternative outside the house. This is how love develops. In many cases, this seems to be true. I have seen children whose parents live in a different era and perhaps are not able to relate to their children’s emotional demands. Parents live in an orthodox yesterday era- where passbooks are reconciled on monthly basis, eating out should be out sheer necessity, new dresses are purchased for birthday,  Deepavali and school re-opening.

Marriage anniversary means visit to the nearby temple and then going to office. For children, Mcdonald is a fashion statement to be made, Coffee Day is THE PLACE to be seen wearing a jeans and latest tops with members of opposite sex. Spending a few hundred rupees on such an outing is normal. Would we have spent the equivalent of Rs 450 for our birthday party (what is party by the way?) say 35 years or 25 years back? I am told this is quite normal today. Cafe Coffee Day is the place for a small birth day party- the Cappucino costs not less than Rs. 30 or Rs. 35 per cup.

It is in such environment that love blossoms. If not love, at least rebellion against the ESTABLISHMENT. Long hair, awful looking half pants or three quarter pants, odd upper garments, skin hugging dresses which give quite the opposite message of the person’s character ( an otherwise timid person may look like today’s starlet in some youth oriented movie).  Is falling in love wrong ? (QSQT with Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla or Jane tu with Imran Khan to quote a more modern example).

No, love is a beautiful emotion without which life is not worth living. But falling in love at the age of 18 or 21 seems premature- especially in Indian context. Everything is a struggle here- unlike abroad. Choice of educational stream, admissions, quality of teaching, post graduate education, employment, choice of city or town or metro for employment, accommodation, transport- basic things in life which are taken for granted abroad, pose insurmountable problems for most young adults. Love seems to be a needless distraction in such an environment.

Take admission for engineering, Medicine or any other such professional courses as an example. Each State has got its own peculiarity. Every year there is some litigation to arrest or mar the admission process at the penultimate stage. There is some Government subsidy for such education, but there is something called private college also. In such an environment, the parent struggles to meet their children’s expectations, their own economic strength or lack of it and matching their children’s marks with that of the demands of the educational institution. In such a situation, when a parent hears about a love affair (of anyone else) then there is genuine astonishment on how does anyone get time or energy to get involved in such activities at such an young age.

Lastly, do children who have become full fledged adults (crossed the age of 25 in my belief) need or expect our influence or emotional help. I think yes. But this line is thin. We cannot aggressively intrude into their emotional territory (“don’t be pakao”), nor can we be in an indifferent stranger’s domain. We need to understand the turmoil going through their brain and heart and respond sensitively. We have ourselves passed thru this stage -perhaps without much parental support. So it is easier to assess their needs and probe gently –like a doctor examining an open or an internal wound. It is not easy as now they are a closed book written in a foreign language (or like prayers we recite in Sanskrit- we understand the meaning in a limited manner).

For eg. what do we tell a married son or daughter about the difficulties we face in a marriage? What do we tell about the screaming babies (see my earlier blog) and feeding them at 2 am in night and the support they can expect from their spouse? I often wonder about this. My feeling is that mothers are more forthright in these things and put the matter in a manner which would put their backs up. There would be grudging acceptance later.

I think it is a lifelong relationship. Children remain children for parents whatever be the age. When I used to come home late from office, my father, who was well into his 80s, would remain awake and pester my wife about when I would come. When I reached home, he would confirm that I have reached and then go to sleep. I could not then understand his anxiety. Today I understand it and want to tell him that I understand the deep love and affection that lay behind his non expressive demeanour. But for that I have to go to another world. Do you agree or disagree? Either way, do respond.

 

Image Courtesy: AnanthV

May 3, 2009 at 8:21 pm 3 comments

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